Everyone of my children have a story worth telling. I watch their struggles and their triumphs. I want to share the story of this one of mine. All of my children have times of darkness in their lives. I am there even during the shadow of death. They each learn that my grace is sufficient for them. It is a hard lesson to learn this, yet the more they trust, the more they grow. This is a story about my child, John. I want to share his life through my eyes and my grace. It's not a pretty story, but truly I was there at all the time. For my promise is true - Be content with such things as you have, for I have said, " I will never leave you, I will never forsake you."
All of the children of man are fearfully and wonderfully made. To those that would receive my gift of abundant life, I send an angel to watch over them. This angel would minister to someone like John. Even before the foundation of the world was laid I loved my John. All my children are close to my heart. If John was to tell his story through the events of his life, anyone that would read his story could grow discouraged. Through my eyes you'll see how precious my children are to me.
I would like to start John's story from his birth and the family I had ordained him to be with. His father, Jim, was one of mine with a faith that began in his early twenties. He was a man that sought righteousness and justice. He would suffer from his own trial of faith in his early thirties. He nearly died because of complication of stomach problems. His weight would drop over 100 pounds. An entire year would be a hardship being near death.
John's father was very active in church, but I would lead him to know how important his family's needs were. Compassion and giving would be the legacy his life would be built upon. John's mother, Amy, had a simple faith that began in her early childhood years. She equated being in church as a vital part of what a Christian does. My Amy and Jim grew in the same church almost from their beginning. Their church was The Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), which they were apart of for over 50 years.
John's sisters are also very special to me. John’s oldest sister, Susan, always loved children. John's first words would be translated by his sister to Mom and Dad. Susan's mothering skills began at an early age. She loved to care for her siblings. Debbie was a good-natured child. Debbie was easy going and loved to meet the needs of others Going through high school and college with near perfect grades would highlight Deb’s future. When last child in the family was due John wanted itto be a little brother. The word from the hospital was it's a girl. John was upset for a little while. When it came time for Amy and baby Cindy to come home.Little sister Cindy was not ready. John was extremely disappointed when Cindy did not come home with mom. Cindy's condition was not serious and she was soon released shortly. Cindy's story plays an important part of an unfolding mystery.
There was a secret that would not be revealed until I allowed one of the greatest heartaches a family could face. My family would be tried in many ways. John would be the center of their struggle of faith. This secret would ripple through my chosen family.
John’s early memories would be based around himself and friendships. An early memory that stands out to John took place coming home from Kindergarten. On the way home John destroyed a wooden airplane he had made. He was angry without reason. This anger would be a part of his life for years to come. The foreshadowing of this anger was found in what one of John’s teacher’s comment in the school ‘s yearbook. “John if you could control your anger, you could control anything. ” Other memories, when he was in the first grade, were dancing with a neighbor girl to the Batman song on a phonograph. John also had a shyness concerning girls as early as the first grade. John’s sister Sue found out John liked a girl and told her. From that point on John would hide at the back of the playground out of embarrassment. You see in the early years John liked girls, but had little confidence being around them even to his late teens. Little did John know women would be an interesting part of his life, in positive and negative ways.
Another area that was important as a child was belonging to the Boy Scouts. John’s father believed and hoped that John could escape some of the sinful areas of his life through scouting and the influence of his leaders. John’s dad would learn later that even scouts could be perverted through alcohol. I watched John go down this path knowingI would later intervene ; John needed to repent of this lifestyle.
Scouts would become the center of some of John’s best friendships. John’s friendships would come to an abrupt end when John’s dad would be laid off from the position Electrical Engineer at a job he had held for over 16 years. The move would be extremely hard on the whole family. A spiritual time in John’s life would come out of the move. John’s Grandmother thought that John and his sister Debbie needed to be baptized before the move. John had a desire for me, but his prayer life was no more than praying the Lord’s Prayers almost a magical way of protection. John was interested in me, but there were many things he did not understand. I watched and knew I would give him wisdom, but there was going to be a humbling price to pay. That price was related to the secret that John and his family would endure.
The move to New Hampshire, because of John’s dad’s new job, was half a Country away. The people even had their own language and the accent of New Englanders. Not only was the accent different, the values of the people were even different. John was fresh from desiring to be baptized out of a limited understanding about saving faith. His sister Debbie seemed to understand more about her faith and what she was doing. John just had unanswered questions.
In Iowa, school was challenging and fun. In John’s new home even the smart students were not interested in learning. John would not make a single friend in all his classes. He even believed that he would have to fight his whole class for being ridiculed for his desire to learn. John found friends in his neighborhood, but they were already into drugs and alcohol as young as the sixth grade. John was even called a saint because of his less sinful lifestyle and his going to church. In truth, John had an interest in God, but without a commitment.
John’s family returned to Cedar Rapids after a year. John’s Dad was called back to his original job in Cedar Rapids. John came back to a world that was two years behind in what the teens were doing concerning drugs and alcohol. John’s hair was even 2-3 inches longer than fellow Iowans. Although John didn’t take drugs, Iowan friends in 8th and 9th grade were experimenting. John’s experimenting, although not illegal drugs, was an attraction to alcohol. John’s first abuse began at a Boy Scout campout. John and two friends set up their tent away from the leaders and younger scouts. John and his friends were mixing Sloe Gin and Seven-up. The bottle went fast and they were drunk to the point of staggering. John’s drinking would become a constant thing until he met me a few years later. He would rediscover alcohol a couple of years after his first encounter. John would have to call in sick from work that time. The desire to drink would overcome even the worst of hangovers. By the age of eighteen John was a constant bar hopper. Due to the philosophy that since soldiers could die for their country, they should be old enough to use or abuse alcohol. John’s father felt he couldn’t intervene because of this law. John’s mother would say that his hangovers served him right. John would later, after he met me, find it strange to wake up on a Saturday without that hangover.
An area that John experienced that most of his peers did not was teachings in the occult and shamanism. John and a friend walked down a path of experimenting in Astral Projection, telekinesis powers, etc. John thought himself as some one that could use white magic for good. John had no idea how dangerous this way was and how the Enemy could use this against him. John’s friend would even suggest that I used white magic in my ministry. John being open to this would be placed in a crucible that would break his mind, his will, and his spirit.
John had two special friends that he got to know through a love for tennis, golf, bowling and just hanging out.They also had an interesting nickname for each other. The oldest friend was the Old Man, John’s was Jack, and the youngest friend was the Kid. Through high school they were almost inseparable. Even to this day they refer to each other by these nicknames.
John’s relationship and friendship with girls didn’t blossom until he was eighteen years of age. He started combing his hair differently and went without his glasses as much as possible. His first relationship came when he visited his sister at college. His new friend was also visiting family at college. They connected right away. She was a little younger than John, but old enough for a good friendship type relationship. Friendship with a girl was an answer to one of John’s dreams. He had to pinch himself that he truly had a female companion.John enjoyed a long distance relationship with this friend he had met at college. She would even visit him a couple of years later.
Another dating relationship that would last more than a year and a friendship with her family that would last unto this day. The friendship began on the Memorial Day before John’s high school graduation. John was with the old Man and the Kid at the local beach. John was growing in confidence in relating to girls. This relationship began as John introduced himself to this pretty girl. John thought she looked like the sister of a fellow classmate. John introduced himself with inquiry whether this was true. She told John that she was from the local town of Solon. After a few minutes of getting to know her, John asked out for a date and she accepted. John would have to break the date because it was his graduation night. The sad and bad thing about this relationship was part of it centered around the bar life. John was becoming more and more accustomed to this lifestyle.Strangely enough there was a spiritual side of this relationship. John still had his church relationship, while his new friend came from a Catholic background. They would joke about how John would be a priest and his girlfriend could be a nun. For innocence and purity sake the relationship did not go beyond a kiss.
As John sought me he was open to truth. At Christmas time, John invited his friend to his parents’ church service. Before they got to the services, John read St. Luke’s account about how I came to earth as a baby. John did not know the full reason I came to the earth, but he was not rejecting me either. John would find out later that his friend thought him to be very religious. Although on a religious path, a relationship of faith towards me was still ahead.
There was an area of John’s life relating to women that I could not bless. This also led him into a prodigal background. It came from an early introduction to unclean pictures. Sadly it started in his early teens. Many don’t understand this unclean path is a downward spiral to the bar life, alcohol, drugs, and more impurity.
John’s “religion” was strong enough to keep his virginity, but weak enough to allow just about everything else.The unclean lifestyle would lead John to realize that he truly was a sinner and a prodigal. When the gospel was revealed to John, he readily understood the need for a Savior. As we go past the summer of 1977, John enters college at Iowa State University. John became confident about meeting girls and also being a superior student. His father would be grieved over John’s growing pride. His first quarter of college found John as a Physic major. John had a creative desire to be an inventor. In this quarter John would try as hard as he could to study and learn. John’s pride about his intelligence would be broken as he received a C+ grade average.
John fully entered the bar life and dorm parties after the first quarter. This lifestyle took over John’s life. This was pretty much how John’s life went, with his only change being choosing an easier major. In the fall of 1978, he changed his major to Psychology. John earned a B average, despite the constant drinking and bar hopping.
Around Christmas of 1978, I sent two special witnesses, a girl and a boy, to share my good news with college students. This pair went to the dorm floor John lived on. They shared about my love and how I demonstrated that love by dying on the cross. John, being religious thought he knew all this and desired to stand in agreement with their message as a Christian. Soon after this, John would learn just how righteous he was in light of a holy God.
That very evening John went to his dorm floor lobby. It was there that his fellow students were watching unclean films. This normally would not bother John, but tonight he had his first understanding of how his “religion” did not measure up when it came to purity. I was there in the form of the Holy Spirit. John was beginning to be convicted of his sin. As John and other dorm mates were watching these films, someone yelled out, “Let’s invite the Christians in here.” For the first time, John learned that being a Christian was truly not a “Anything goes lifestyle.”
John went home for Christmas break, thinking about this conflict in his life. During the week before Christmas Day, John’s lifestyle was the same as his previous way. Christmas evening found John in his parents’ church as usual. My birthday was being celebrated. John enjoyed the service, but did not realize how I was working in his life. After attending to the late service, John was still alert. He started studying one of his philosophy textbooks. It was the story of Socrates and how he was facing death. In the book, Socrates told of a myth he believed was true regarding the after life. He believed that people whose souls were wretched and unclean would go to a place of eternal punishment. As John read this, he thought of his own corrupted soul. It was then that I opened his eyes to an even greater truth about Me. I was willing to take that punishment for all mankind. John became open to the truth that I had personally done it for him. I gave John a picture-thought of my death on the cross and that it was my blood that would wash away his sins. At this, John asked for this cleansing. As I responded, he said thank-you to my gift of love. John out of an understanding of how great this love is said, “Lord, whatever you want me to do, wherever you want me to go, that I will do. The Angels were rejoicing, as well as John and myself. John would sense a burden lifted and he had begun an incredible journey.
Shortly after John’s acknowledgement of my grace and his commitment to me, a door was opened. I allowed this door to be there, because I knew that I would and could use it for a greater good. The mystery of John’s family was that John’s grandfather had in his life a history of severe mood swings. Most families of this generation, did not acknowledge mental illness, but hid it. Just like all illnesses I am grieved by this condition. The fall of mankind has allowed it to enter into even my believer’s lives. Found in the book of Job, I revealed that some of my ways remain a mystery to explain this side of heaven. When an illness is triggered, like it was in John, it could be thought of like a waking dream. A process to resolve the dream can only come through biblical insight and application.
This is how that dream began for John:
Within minutes after John’s commitment to me, I allowed the Enemy to touch and sift John. The Enemy has various ways to tempt. John was not ready nor prepared. The sad part was John had developed, by occult practice, a bent toward a desire for power. The Enemy offered the illusion of power through a strange and unbelievable means. Once John received this lie into his life, the Enemy responded by putting John into a type of shock. A voice declared to John – “And now you shall die.” John’s fears were heightened to an extreme measure. The feelings of death were becoming overwhelming. This was the beginning of the fight to face the illusions and delusions of John’s waking world. John’s real faith in me would be mixed with the delusions of the Enemy. The Man of Gadarenes would need to apply Truth to his life just to survive. As John fears began, he asked me to allow him to be a teacher about my cross and my life. I honored this desire by providing a paper trail of truth. Even though the battle was tough, I would give John a verse to share. These poems would encourage those around as well as showing my love towards John by giving him my special gift.
The Enemy continued to sift John with the feelings of death. Despite this, John was enjoying some of my aspects of grace. Christmas morning, John woke up to the words of a song that said, “It’s going to take a lot of love to make this world turn out right” John could see this song for his calling, so that God could make a change in this world.
I gave John an unique opportunity to profess his faith. The Sunday following Christmas was John’s Church College and Career service. John worked on the service with another college-age woman. The theme of the service was the path to God. John was so excited about finding My way to the Father, he testified with boldness and no hesitation. The zeal was there, not knowing the learned response of embarrassment by sharing one’s faith.
John’s Bible knowledge learned through attending Church since birth could now be accessed by John’s openness to truth. During the service John shared about his understanding of what My Cross was about. John also shared the communion, as well as the offering. When the offering came back, John took a penny and shared the story of the widow that put in a little coin and yet gave more than those that shared from their wealth.
John was excited about the good news of the Cross, but also wondered how others saw My truth about why I came unto the world. John’s faith was still being attacked through the fear of death that prevailed. John’s next big step was returning to College. The family mystery would also begin to unfold even more.
John, after Christmas, went back to college at Iowa State University. The feelings of death persisted. To John, it seemed that if he did anything wrong the condemnation would be there. The Enemy had a plan that would change the true meaning of my Cross to his own prideful counterfeit. This part of the story, I’m about to share, is very sorrowful to me. John’s heart through this all belonged to me. His thoughts would be under attack to a great deception. My grace was with John, but was not clearly seen. John was entering a trial where he to could say, “My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?”
This would be the beginning of a battle so intense that John’s father actually prayed for John’s death and to be relieved of his pain. The deception started with John wandering through the ISU library. John discovered a book called Transcendence. The book talked about a life that never ended, but was developed through a variety of lives. My eternal life is based on a relationship with me. This relationship must begin with an understanding of why I came and what I did. John’s true understanding of eternal life was changed through the adoption of this transcendence lie. The deception was completed by the release from dying panic attacks.
The illusions of power that had been started by the Enemy were now leading John to powerful occult teachings. John remembered my Gospel and yet he was trying to make it mesh with the teachings of reincarnation. The Enemy’s full offer would come through a book that is so deceptive I will not share its name.
The Enemy offered John the same lie offered to Adam and Eve. This book was discovered in the same area where Transcendence was found. It was as thick as a Bible. The book offered a path called The Great Way. It told how our thoughts can affect the world we live in. Our dreams could come true if we only seek and believe in them. It offered more and more control of our lives through believing in a spiritual power and not through a relationship with me.
The worst perversion of truth was how the book looked at my death and resurrection. The book’s teachings presented a fulfillment of man’s nature came through the cross. This cross would bring your male and female nature together to create the potential to become like God. The Enemy offered The Great Way to become like me, not in my character, but in the control of one’s life and the lives of others. John stopped reading my Word and became was fully absorbed in this book. For three years John tried to make all thoughts, teachings, and wisdom from every spiritual outlook work together as true.
There was a side teaching of the book that would created a great mental battle. The Great Way taught that a follower could learn to live without food or sleep. Another teaching was that to speed up your development you needed to let go of possessions and sexual relationships. A letting go of all sexual thoughts mimicked a form of purity, which was similar but different to My desire for believers. The meshing of male and female become a part of the Enemy’s greatest attack against John’s faith in and relationship with me.
John’s delusions grew in intensity as he received the need to be androgynous, as well as not eating or sleeping. John also had word disassociation. He would read things into words that were not true. An example came as John was letting go of possessions. While he was returning from classes John thought about the similarity between the word son and the word sun. He thought My return could come through looking at the sun. John’s delusion led him to stare at the sun. As he did this he gave away his billfold and money. It was by My grace that John didn’t go blind. This delusion about the sun would come and go throughout the next three years.
As the mind was attacked some true spiritual things were happening. John was grieved by the party lifestyle. He found it strange to wake up on a Saturday without a hangover. John tried to share his understanding of why I came. The group that had shared at John’s dorm meeting also came for follow up. John tried to convey his faith, but the Enemy’s delusions overshadowed his expression of My eternal life.
Three weeks after John came back to school. He was emaciated because of going without food or sleep. The delusional thinking was overwhelming. By My grace, John’s parents came to visit him at college. John had lost ten to fifteen pounds and was struggling with fear and confusion.
The fullness of John's breakdown came after John's parents picked him up. What happened later that night could not of been foreseen, even though John's delusions were intense. The Enemies greatest blow against John and his family was devastating.
Before I share the situation, I want to highlight how this would be used for good in John and his family's lives. John would learn how to deal with his breakdown through the wisdom of My Word. John's most important truth was how God can resurrect good out of bad to bless others. John would also learn that in dealing with the Enemy, full reliance on me and my strength would make him an over comer. Other truths that would be important were "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of God, " and "When I am weak, then I am strong." For John it was difficult to discern where the battle was coming from. John would learn to trust with his heart and not his head. Like Job, John would say, "Though God slays me, yet will I trust in Him." The pain would come from the Enemy, the joy and hope would come from Me.
The condition John was under was related to John's mental makeup, as well as the situation John was in. The genetic mental condition of John's Grandfather played through out John's family. The greatest blessing I could give John was "Those that are forgiven much, shall love much.” John would be constantly broken by what I am about to describe.
After John was picked up from college, his parents took him to his grandfather's fiancée’s house. While there his grandfather was also under a heightened state, also. While at supper, John was disassociating thoughts and reading things into paper articles. After the meal, John and his parents went to John's other grandfather house for the night. While there John started thinking about end times events. He came up with the idea that to solve the world's population problem, every living member of every family would gather into one family member. This was a major delusionary thought that would lead to extreme result.
John and his father were down in the basement. John's dad was crying and told John that he would need to go to the Psych unit of the hospital. Those tears would comfort John. He said that he would be okay and that he was willing to go. John's parents planned to go back to Cedar Rapids and get John help. While they were together, the television was on, showing something about dogs. John started thinking that cats and dogs were from other planets. Again a very delusional thought that would be used by the Enemy. At this point John's delusions were great, but showed no signs of violence to himself or others.
John was anxious and scared at this point. He asked if he could stay in his parents’ room on a cot. He did not want to be left alone. The thought of absorbing his family was still in his mind. As I watched this, I thought of the pain I went through for mankind. My Father watched, as My suffering was so intense. What happened next must be remembered as the role suffering played in life. John felt the sorrow of his own sins so intensely that he was not able to release all the guilt and pain for 23 years.
John slept in his parents’ room on a cot. In the night as John was not able to sleep, he heard his dad snoring. At one point, John heard a large snore and then silence. At that point John thought that he had absorbed his parent's souls. John felt an adrenalin rush that was like his mind was being lit up. He then left the basement and went upstairs. He then had a delusion he became a dog and was caught up into unclean thoughts. Then he had a thought that He was not a dog, but proudly said he was the master. He went into his grandfather’s room and looked into the mirror where he imagined the teachings of male and females coming together. His identity changed to that of an old girlfriend's nature being apart of him. He also thought that he had already absorbed his grandparents' soul. Then a very bizarre thing happened. John was at the base of his grandfather's bed. John then had multiple delusions. One delusion was that the body of his grandfather had become John. He thought that he was the female essence of his girlfriend. He then had an unclean sexual thought towards John. Following this thought John's grandfather moved. In a way John was hitting himself, as well as hitting someone other than his grandfather. The hits were rapid and John's grandfather's nose was broken. As John was leaving the room, John's parents entered the room. John looked upon them as zombies and started fighting with them. John's dad tried to hit John to stop him, but was unable.
John's grandmother called the police. The police came quickly; as they held John down he imagined seeing famous hurtful people and that some looked like pigs. They were able to sedate John and took him away in an ambulance tied down. John was taken to a locked unit at a Des Moines hospital. He remembers a man saying fly away. John thought that some way he could turn into a bird. Everyone thought that John must be on drugs, yet this was even more destructive than drugs. After a couple of hours, what had really happened came to John. He thought he acted this way because apart of his brain wasn't working. He was able to cry tears over what happened to his grandfather. He hoped that his grandfather was alive and that the worst possible thing had not happened.
A lot of the time directly following John’s breakdown focused on John’s father. John had finally been able to sleep with the help of medication. John’s mother had to find a psychiatrist to let John stay in the hospital. John’s grandfather woke up joking a little about what happened until he looked in the mirror. John’s dad would leave Des Moines to go home. John’s dad and three sisters would have a shadowed meeting as John’s dad cried relating the horrible thing that had happened. John’s mother felt this was the worst thing she had ever experienced. There would be a fear towards John for many years.
A side note: John’s dad read out of the book that had manipulated John and found a weird feeling as well as nightmares surrounding what he read.
Grandpa Brobst was in the hospital for a few days then released. John was able to find a way to rest. He did not need to worry about everyday life and could sense recovery. Immediate pressure of school and usual way of life were let go. John did not know the exact condition of his grandfather. That condition was a trial yet to be faced.
A week later, John’s dad returned to Des Moines in a terrible snowstorm. Just like John’s dad’s painful storm of life, he faced a real storm that could have cost him his life. A car ahead of him was off the side of the road teetering on a ledge. If John’s dad put on the breaks he too would go over the ledge.
My Heavenly Father was caring for these storms. As John’s dad reached John’s grandparent’s house, Grandpa Brobst sat down in a chair and started feeling a rupture. John’s dad and uncle realizing something was wrong carried grandpa immediately to the car. John’s grandpa’s spleen had ruptured. By God’s grace an expert surgeon was there and he speedily stopped the bleeding.
John’s dad was facing the worst possible situation, the earthly loss of his own father and the commitment of his son. My Heavenly Father would intervene through the prayers of John’s family. John’s father would feel drained, helpless, and his heart was racing. My Father would lead John’s dad to an empty room to pray. John’s dad was also experiencing feelings of death. His strength would come from My Father. My Father answered all the prayers that weekend. Grandpa Brobst lived for many more years following. John and Grandpa Brobst were even reunited in a loving way. John gave grandpa a comforting touch just before grandpa went home to My Father and I. My John would be indebted to older people as a ministry after this.
While in the hospital new delusions, as well as some of the old ones would kept John confused. John truly needed a rest from the pressures of life. John was kept in the locked unit and he made friends with two American Indians. One was an older man that John played cards with. The other Indian was John’s age. The younger Indian and John bonded in a friendship. John did not recognize his new friend’s mental illness, but thought he was there because of his Indian religion. John was intrigued by the Indian lifestyle. This would impact his world for the next three years.
A poem that would define John’s spiritual heart was:
Where are you going my friend,
Have you lost your way?
Come with me and let’s find today.
You say you’re scared down to your soul.
How may evil plan to mold,
A perfect heart towards a wayward goal.
Come let us meet the Savior,
In the heart of this new born Child.
Another important poem is:
“What Would The World Say”
What would the world say if love was to pass away?
No songs would ever be song,
This world would come undone.
Can’t you see,
It has to be,
That Love is the only way to make it through each day.
The people of the earth should enjoy the way of a beautiful day,
The laughter of children at play,
The romance of two young hearts,
And the truth of love that God imparts.
Although the delusional thoughts were severe, the poems shared some of My wisdom and some of My love. John would learn later the truth of Proverb 3:5, 6.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding,
In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy paths.”
John knew some confusion in his mind, but began to trust God with the essence of his heart. John did not experience the fullness of the guilt that the Enemy sought to condemn him with. John also learned that those who are forgiven much, shall also learn to love much. Valuable insight was the concept of non-righteousness. Non-righteousness meant John could not look down upon anyone, because he had experienced seeing himself as one of the worst of sinners.
After John's onset, I'd like to share his path to recovery. The process would continue to this day. I hope, as I share John's story, others can see that they too can be held on to by My love and My hand.
John found himself in a Psych ward for about three months. Letting go of life outside the hospital was needed. John participated in groups where a person would lead in discussion about thier problems. John was diagnosed with the same condition that his grandfather had. The term used was Manic-Depressive. At that time Lithium was discovered to help with the mood swings that John was experiencing. Many people would claim healing for this condition. For the next few years John struggled with what that healing would look like. John asked for healing and tried to exercise faith. The answer I gave him was "My grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
At this point in the story, John's illness was intense. John had to deal with what he had done to his grandfather, as well as not being able to control the heights of mania, that changed to intense depression. John had a rock bottom experience.
John's memories are limited regarding his in the first year of illness. About all he remembers is that he was in the hospital. The only other thing that he remembers meeting a friend who was shy and discouraged. John and this friend keep in contact to this day.
In the Fall of 1979, John attempted college again at Iowa State University. The dorm floor was the same. John was now walking down a more sober path and seeking for others who knew My Cross and Sacrifice.
John started attending to a Catholic church. He had, had two former girlfriends who were catholic. John felt comfort from the love and care of the catholic Father. That Fall John attended a Catholic retreat celebrating Antioch. John called himself the token protestant, yet he was well received. John did not know a lot about the Faith, but was still searching.
At the retreat John went to a special Mass, where he learned about confession and Catholic communion. As John went forward a floodgate was open. So many tears and hurt were released. The emotions were so deep that all John could do was ask God to please forgive him. Although John was not a Catholic he received communion anyway. One remembrance that was special to John was when the Priest sent him out, alone, to talk to the Heavenly Father.
The Winter Semester at ISU started and John was still exploring the Catholic faith. John took a course called Catholic Faith For Adults. All of the Fathers were kind, but John became mentally ill. He was lead away from this relationship by the need for hospitalization.
Just before Christmas break was started, John suffered a high. A severe snowstorm starting. John's parents suggested for John not to come home that night. John's high over rode his common sense. John thought he could beat the storm and took off. The roads were extremely bad and John drove about 45 miles per hour. However, this was not slow enough and half way home John slid down a deep embankment and taking out a fence. I kept him from hitting a tree that was close to where he finally stopped.
John went to a house about a half a mile away. The people were very nice and received John warmly. John remembers sharing some of his recent poems with them. I blessed John with their friendship. This friendship would also continue until they moved out of state.
John's hasty actions convinced John's parents that he needed to be hospitalized again. Even though John had looked into the Catholic faith, he was also intrigued by a Chinese religion called Taoism. This is a religion of proverbs-like teaching. Little did John realize non-Christian teachings would lead him into delusional and occult teachings that I had to cast down with the Word of God.
John went back to college. He wanted to run from the embarrassment of his actions at ISU. John chose the University of Northern Iowa for his new beginning. However, John's delusions went with him.
John began to doubt My work in his life and by the middle of the first semester he was back into the bars and heavy drinking. His understanding of religion was one of trying to bring all religions together in an eclectic way. I was not willing to give up on John because there was still a light of mine in his conscience.
My instrument of grace was a young man in John's religions of the world class. This young man would not allow the Professor to distort true Christianity. John's inner spirit was beginning to spark with interest around this young man. They talked together in the lobby of one of their class building. This new friend was someone John had waited for, a true committed Biblical believer. It was by my grace that I brought them together. John enjoyed listening to his new friend talk about his relationship with Me. John's delusions were still very intense, but this friend provided an answer. This answer truly began to meet John's needs. The light that John needed was developed through the reading of a book called "Handbook to Happiness" his new friend gave to him. The teaching John needed and grew to long for was the teaching of the Crucified Life. Its other major teaching was the Exchanged Life. My teaching in the Bible was not about self-esteem, but for the selfish old nature to be crucified, so that I could give a person a more abundant Life.
The key verse was:
Galatians 2:20
”I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live, yet not I but Christ liveth in me, and the life which I live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
John longed to understand to this truth. To this day this teaching impacts all areas of his life. I gave John a key to live his life by. As John embraced this, he began to look at MY Word as having answers. At this time, some of the false teachings were also bearing fruit.
John entered a time of little sleep. He was brought into another humbling situation. Decisions he made were regretted. I had to apply specific forgiveness for these situations. The outworking of John's sins created another time that John was humbled. He would find himself again, unable to throw stones at anyone.
John ended up in the hospital. His mind was in a heightened state with delusions. John needed medical treatment that caused John's brain to create a chemical balance to stop this high. It was a feared that without this treatment John would remain in this delusional high.
After the treatment, John returned to a less heightened state. John's doctor offered a brand new medicine to help. Improvement of medicine through the years would be a blessed gift to John and others like him. John continued to still learn that he needed to be accountable to God for his actions.
After John spending several weeks in the hospital, John dropped out of college again. A new medication was available and John found he had a greater ability to handle some of his thoughts. However, the battle was far from over.
The next important event in John’s life came when John visited his sister in Ames, Iowa. Sister Susan was involved with a Christian group at Iowa State. Susan was led to the Lord by friends in this group. John’s visit brought a desire to stay and grow with this group. John quickly found a job and shared a two bedroom apartment with his sister. John began to have a great hunger for the God’s Word. John read the whole New Testament in a week’s time. The teaching of the group was impacting John’s life. John was facing some of the lies from the occult teachings. The Enemy was still hard at work during this time. After a prayer service John came to his sister’s apartment excited about Me. Laying down for sleep the voice from years before visited John again. This voice was just as devastating as the first time. The voice asked John if he would do anything for God. John replied he would do anything for God. The Deceiver had a plan that would crush John. The delusion the Enemy was about to place in John would be one of the Enemy’s best strongholds on John. The voice said, “Would you be the Anti-Christ for God?” John thought about this for a little while. However, John did not understand that this was not a question I would ask.
John said , “Yes he would do anything for God.” Once again the feeling of an adrenaline rush and other sensations came over John as he agreed to be the Anti-Christ. The Enemy had won a crucial battle for John’s mind. The new delusion would lead John back into the hospital. The following events would be as devastating as the onset of his condition.
John with his Bible study friends was reading the final chapter of Revelation. John was reading out loud and ended with not adding or taking away a word from this Book. As he finished reading he had a delusion, the need to speak forward and backwards.
At this point, John then had a delusion, “In My Father’s house are many rooms.” John thought maybe this was referring to the Psych ward in the hospital and he ran about 2 miles to get to the nearest hospital. When John got there they placed him in a room. John’s parents had been called and within an hour or two were at the hospital. John was now fixated on his eyes and his blind spot that had been created by the sun. John decided he would not open his eyes until he saw Jesus. John’s dad came and his compassion led John to open his eyes as John saw Jesus in his father.
There were no rooms available at the Ames hospital. A decision was made to go to Cedar Falls. John’s delusional thinking became more and more intense. He continued to talk forwards and backwards. Another delusion came on the way to the hospital. The weather was very cold at the time. John feared that the car would get involved in an accident. He thought if he kept his foot out the window time and space would be changed to keep them safe.
When John reached the hospital, he quickly got out of the car and ran to the entrance. He pushed the buzzer and policeman came to the door. John had the thought that he had come to heal. He then thought he would appear to be a doctor if he was not clothed.
I am telling John’s story to provide hope for those who experience a similiar struggle. There is hope for My children. It comes through Me and yet sometimes medicine needs to be used. Medicine is never the complete answer, but it can be a tool to help work through various strongholds.
As John entered the lobby the policeman tackled him. The officer asked John’s father to take his gun not knowing what John was doing. They then lead John to a table and covered him with a sheet. John was asked some questions. John continued to talk backwards and forward. One question plagued John. What church did John belong to? John gave no answer. That question brought John to complete despair. After questioning, John was put into a little room. John found himself alone with one overhead light. At this time John was reading about how demons work, written by a famous Christian writer. John found himself in a hell like situation. He thought tthe hospital would catch fire. He also thought that everyone in the hospital were demons that would come to gnaw on him. A fire would burn and John would be left there. At one point, a nurse came in and John screamed. As morning came, John settled down a little when a kind nurse came in and comforted John.
John began to cry out to God. He thought that he had lost his chance for salvation by not answering the church he was apart of. This thinking lasted a few days and then I touched him with hope.
John had an experience that did not feel like a dream. He sensed he was a light falling down a tunnel. John called My Name, Jesus, and he awoke with hope. For he knew I had heard him. From that point on John would grow in hope.
The acceptance John experienced after he called on my Name, Jesus, was a new beginning for him. Around this time John discovered Christian radio and a Pastor/Teacher Charles Swindoll. John, to this day, is a faithful listener of this program. John also started attending a Bible Church. John's understanding of the Bible was beginning to open up to him. John also started memorizing Scripture. The battle for control of John’s thoughts was still going on. John was starting to believe that his faith was strong enough to go off his medicine. To avoid putting his parents through the possible struggle, John checked himself in to a long-term Psych Care facility. He went in there with his doctor's order that he would have no medication. Some occult teachings were still being accepted by John at this time.
After a few days without sleep, John found himself in a strongly delusional high. It was not time for John to let go of his medicine. John ended up in a Psych Ward of the local hospital. John was restrained in a room. That night John made a great decision. He decided that for his life the Bible held the answers he needed. The Bible would be the truth he would cling to.
After a few days, John returned to the Care Facility. The staff there allowed John to embark on a time of learning. Instead of having to go to a counseling group, they allowed John to listen to Christian radio. The ministry of Charles Swindoll's “Insights For Living”, would be John's teacher. Insights sent John a studyguide that went along with the radio program. John was committed to doing the 30/30 plan. Thirty minutes listening to Insights and thirty minutes with the study guide. John was now becoming a Biblically led Christian.
The facility John was in, turned out to be a blessing. John was safe and secure there and he had time to work on his relationship with Me. My leading took John to go back to this place twenty-four years later where he leads a monthly Worship Service there.
Before I continue the story of John and what he goes through after becoming a biblically led Christian, there is a need to share a recent trial in John’s life.
The beginning of John’s trial started the day before Halloween. It was Sunday night and John was visiting his friend in a care facility. I allowed the Enemy to sift John, knowing I would strengthen and use this for good in his life and the lives of others. This trial had similarities to John’s initial struggle 26 years earlier. This trial came unwarned, but I was building a faith foundation in John’s life. This foundation was tested greatly.John was facing his worst trial of the past eight years. It was the worst since the use of his best medicine.
John had finished playing cards with friends in one the facilities visitation room. John was in the restroom, when he experienced an intense attack. It was similar to an attack John had felt at his onset. Without warning John started feeling his life to go out of him. He thought that he would die in the bathroom. John fought to leave the room. He thought if he could make it back to the room with his friends, he would be okay.
This was the beginning of a trial that would take all the strength I could give John to be able to overcome. The trial had multi-facet to test him. The trial would last up until Christmas.
The enemy pointed out to John where he fell short. John was working through an unloving and judging of other Christians over issues that were not meant to divide. John judged himself in various areas; the enemy lost the ability to condemn. My Father and I were watching the struggle, knowing that this would increase John’s love and acceptance of other Christians. John’s judgments were thinking in Pharisee like way.
John’s great answer to these judgments was something we can all use.
“I may not understand,
But I’m not called to understand,
But I am called to love.”
Truly this is My answer, too.
John’s dying feelings were so intense that hehad to go to sleep quoting scripture to face the fears. My answer, besides dealing with John’s judgments, was for him to rest in Me. Truly it was by facing the shadow of death that John was able to go on.
John was visiting his parents when the fears needed to be faced. John’s gave up fighting to stay alive. He sat down and prepared to see what would happen next. John exercised his faith by knowing that if he felt I would catch him. As he rested in Me the shadow passed over him. John needed this in counseling his father a few weeks later.
The battle was starting to be over, but the end came in a fuller way as John accepted his death to self. John learned to bring his flesh (spiritual sinful nature) to the Cross. John could trust Me with his heart apart from experiencing bad intense feelings. John had trulylearned one of my most powerful truths.
“He was being crucified with Me,
And yet he lives, but not he,
But I can live through him.”
His soul and Spirit would be free to say no to the flesh in a stronger way.
There was an added dimension to John's trial. It surrounded John's parents. John needed all my strength to stand. John's mother had recently spent in a Rehab center recovering from surgery complications. John and his father worked hard to support her. The trial turned even worse. John's father began having problems with his bowels. For a week and a half he could not handle anything harder to digest then soup. Every night John wondered if his dad would make it through another night. John and others were in constant prayer. Three days before the trial met it's height, John feared for his father's life. A verse I had given him was about how I am faithful, even when My children are faithless. John's thoughts were full of great fear.
Two days before the fullness, John was at work, his worry and fears were making him feel weak, almost to the point of fainting from anxiety. John was able to get alone with Me, asking for strength if I was there. Immediately, I gave John verses of hope. “Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Wait I say on the Lord, again I say wait. Come unto Me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am lowly in heart and I will give you rest.” John once again rested on my word. This was needed, because of what his family would face.John stayed with his parents that night just in case his father's suffering got worse. Dad was still not eating and his bowels were a source of concern. The next day John went to the doctor with his dad. The doctor was not overly concerned and ordered a laxative. A greater trial began for John’s dad as he started the process of trying to work through his situation. For eleven hours he struggled to find relief. About ten-thirty John's father was exhausted from hours of strain. John's father passed out and fell forward. Almost immediately the defibulator shocked his heart.
The ambulance and police came very quickly. John needed My strength to be there for his father. John was able to be in the ambulance with his dad. After getting to the emergency room, John went to his father's room. His dad was afraid that if he went to sleep, he would not wake up. John talked to him about how dying was just like a shadow that passes by. As a believer it can't hurt you. John was praying that his dad would not die. John told his dad that if he fell asleep, remember you are going to wake up with us. As John held his hand the defribulator went off again. It was just like the paddles that emergency people use. Both John and his father were afraid of more shocks.
John started to sing some of his songs.
It's enough to know God loves you,
It's enough to know He cares.
It's enough to know God loves you,
It's enough to know He cares.
That's why he came and died,
And rose again.
Oh, I believe in promises,
I believe in Truth.
I believe in the love of Jesus,
and life for me and you.
Oh I believe in promises,
I believe in Truth,
I believe in the love of Jesus,
and His life in me and you.
I was there hearing the prayers of so many that cared about John's dad. His Dad's pastor came as fast as he could. There was a time that John's dad went for x-rays and was being taken to intensive care. John wondered if he would see his dad alive again. The enemy was telling John that his prayers were not helping, but hindering. John fought through those thoughts and prayed with more intensity. John prayed "God if we do lose him, I will not be bitter, but Lord please pull him through this." John's dad returned shortly from testing. John's mother had arrived earlier with the fire department. Truly there was much concern. My presence was with all of them. The doctor determined that John's dad lacked potassium. The defibulator was not needed again.
I'd like to share a poem that John wrote around this time.
Where The Answers Found
As trials come,
Our faith may fail.
What is the answer that shall prevail?
Will we battle through our own understanding?
Will we plead for the Victory?
Will we rest with the fact we are doing our best.
The answer lies when our faith comes alive.
A simple answer will always provide.
A gift of grace will always abide.
Thank-you,
Lord upon our lips.
Changes night to day,
As hope is here to stay.
As by faith we enter in,
As by grace we find our friend.
A gift is given and received.
As thank-you,
Testifies we believe
John prayed for an answer regarding his fears during the Fall of 2005. He longed for an understanding of the kind of love that would cast out the fears that crippled him. Little did he realize how hard the battle would be. God’s love would be there to take on the strongholds in John's life. John's fears were to the point of passing out. A spiritual war was raging over John's faith and the expression of that faith in John's poems and writings.
In one of John’s most intense times he took the majority of the poems he had at home and threw them away. On a positive note, John received a special prayer:
Ephesians 3:16 – 18:
That God would grant you according to the riches of His glory to be strengthened with all might in his spirit in the inner man. That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith, that ye being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is breadth and length and depth and height of His love and to know the love of Christ that passeth knowledge.
The first attack was on John's salvation experience.John had called on me for salvation, forgiveness, and cleansing through my shed blood. The enemy had inroads causing John to doubt. By my design I opened John to the Gospel through a concept not directly from the Bible, but still a truth. .
My Father showed John the real answer for his sins. I took John's punishment for those sins on the Cross. John called upon Me to cleanse and forgive. He received a picture of My blood washing him. As John thanked me for this grace, he realized how great My gift was. He offered to go where I wanted him to go and do want I wanted him to do.
The enemy put a seed of doubt into John’s mind. By My design John was open to the gospel not found directly from the Bible, yet realizing a true spiritual concept. The concept was that those who were unclean because of sin deserve eternal punishment. All this was true but the solution was not answered the same way asMy Father's plan. This philosophical way to be clean was to get more and more wisdom. My Father's way to be clean and forgiven was by My sacrifice on the Cross. For only through the shedding of blood is there forgiveness.
For over 25 years the enemy had used this seed of doubt in John's life.
My Love would have to cast that doubt out. It would take several months as the battle raged on. This doubt was a great weapon against John. As the trial was coming to an end, John started growing in assurance regarding the Gospel.
Although sin is pictured in this book of philosophy, perhaps the concept had come through Jewish teachings. The Jewish religion had a major impact on the world through Daniel and the Jewish people throughout history. Mankind had been open to the knowledge of sin and falling short, but their solutions vary. By God’s grace John found the solution to his sins through Me.
John 14:6
I AM the Way, The Truth, and Life, no man cometh unto the Father, but through Me.
A similar use of extra-biblical truth was used by Paul.Paul used the example of the unknown God in their culture to declare Me as the real true God.
The false guilt choosing salvation through a non-Biblical source confused John. John could not understand why or how this is possible. The confusion was overwhelming as John found no lasting peace.While this was going on John continued having feelings of death. The issue being resolved was similar to what John had faced right after his Salvation years ago. By My Grace John had My Word to use as the battle raged.
The dying feelings came to total fulfillment when John was on a trip with his parents. A shadow came over John and he felt his life slipping away. As he was in line with his parents, he prepared to say goodbye to them. One thought came to John, thank-you God. The feeling reached its peak and John realized he was still alive. This scene was very similar to the feelings John had experienced shortly after asking for cleansing. John had spent 25 years getting to know Me. I was there as the attack continued. John desired to use My Scriptures to find a way of escape. The next battle took place in a friend’s nursing home. John started to realize scriptures that might help. They overcame the evil one, by the Blood of the Lamb, by the Word of their testimony, and they loved their lives not even unto death.
John related to My bloodshed and the poetry as his testimony. His life was fading that night. John had an area of his life, that if it was confessed, the enemy would have to loosen his condemnation. John wept and cried out to Me asking for forgiveness of his judgmental spirit. As he did this he discovered that the judgmental spirit was from the enemy. The enemy blamed John for this spirit. John took responsibility for accepting these thoughts and that he could release the guilt through confession.
John started to experience a lessening of the condemnation and a growing affirmation that I had saved him years ago. He could now know the freedom that the poetry was truly good and it would bless others. If you are reading this entry it is because of God's Grace.
John's final thoughts for you are:
Remember when you first understood that Jesus died for your sins, was buried, and rose again the third day. For upon this Rock, God's Promises stand.
